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Case: Unclear Future In my many years of teaching high school, I have seen all types of students. Noora, a student from Pakistan, was one of the most special students. She was definitely one of the most intelligent I have had. She also had an extraordinary work ethic and interpersonal skills. When other students in her class had difficulty with any subject, Noora was there to help them. I thought she had a very bright future. Knowing her strong skills and knowledge in math and sciences, I thought she would go to a prestigious university. One day I decided to talk to Noora about her future plans and I was shocked by what I heard. She said that two months after graduating from high school, she was going to get married to the son of a family friend. She did not seem very disturbed by this. I went to talk to Noora's parents to explain to them what a great student she was and why they should reconsider their decision to marry her at such a young age. I told them that what they were doing was unfair. The very next day Noora's family sent a formal complaint letter to my school principal stating that I was being disrespectful their culture, and that it is their business to decide their daughter's future, not the teacher's. I was devastated when the principal informed me about this. I thought I was being a good teacher. I still do not want to give up on Noora's future. What should I do? Solution: (Rates are posted for this solution!) I think the teacher here made two flawed basic assumptions. The first is that just because a student is getting married young that they are throwing their life away and will not go on to do other things. (My wife and married young and have been successful.) And the second is that assuming that the parents are being unfair to their daughter. In many cultures, they see that a girl marrying as a way to protect her and ensure that she is taken care of. The teacher automatically assumed in this case that just because the girl was getting married (possibly an arranged marriage) that she had no future plans beyond being married and immediately told the parents that they were being unfair to their daughter- a statement which would be offensive to any parent (even if it was true). First, I believe that the teacher needs to write a formal letter of apology to Noora and her family in which the teacher says that they were wrong and the letter should be approved by the principal to ensure the situation is not made worse. Secondly, the teacher should not try to explain their reasoning to Noora or her family because they are likely to find the explanation offensive. If the relationship between Noora and the teacher is ever healed (which it may not be if the family feels that they lost face) the teacher could ask Noora questions about what she and her husband will do after they are married. I would phrase any future advice in terms of suggestions for her and her husband that she could talk to both her future husband and her fiance about. It is possibly that they plan to go to college or start a business or something else and might be open to suggestions from those around them including suggestions for college (potentially online). |
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